On November 13, 2013, an EVENT titled “Salmon Salad Sandwich,” or “SaSaSa” for short, occurred in New Orleans, LA, from 6:30pm until about 7:10pm. This EVENT was conceived of and performed by myself, for an audience consisting solely of myself and my dog. The script for the EVENT is posted below, with accompanying documentary photographic evidence. Any and all viewers of this post are invited to follow the script to recreate this EVENT through their own performance at a time and place of their choosing.
SALMON SALAD SANDWICH
The EVENT begins with the performer choosing a beverage to be consumed by him/herself during the execution of the EVENT. This beverage should be chosen on the basis of its immediate availability at the beginning of the performance as well as the preference of the EVENT performer. The beverage is then to be poured into a pint glass. The EVENT performer should drink the beverage at regular intervals during the execution of the EVENT, at such a pace that the pint glass will be approximately half full at the point in the EVENT when food consumption begins, and that the amount of one swallow’s worth is left after food consumption has ended.
A 14.75oz can of Fancy Alaskan Wild Pink Salmon should be opened and drained of liquid. The remaining contents of the can are to be put into a glass bowl.
The spine of the fish should be removed and discarded. Any large bones can also be discarded if desired. Smaller bones should not be worried about as they are quite brittle from the canning process and will easily break into tiny, unnoticeable pieces soon enough. Also, they are a good source of calcium.
Any skin should now be removed from the bowl and fed to a dog. If a dog is not available, a cat or small child will suffice.
The fish should now be broken up into small chunks with a fork, then covered with a fine layer of sea salt, and a layer of garlic powder.
A very thin slice should be taken from the center of a jumbo yellow onion, and then finely diced.
Carefully arrange the diced onion pieces on top of the salmon in a manner such as that they are somewhat evenly distributed.
Remove twenty-three large cilantro leaves from their stems, and chop them into irregular shapes.
Dump the chopped cilantro in the bowl.
Briefly mix the ingredients together. Then add four forkfuls of sweet pickle relish, three long dashes of Tabasco sauce, two really big squirts of spicy brown mustard, one lazy drizzle of extra virgin olive oil, and to top it off, squirt in some lemon juice. Don’t put too much lemon juice in or it won’t taste good.
Stir this together and then add a few butter-knifefuls of light mayonnaise. Mix it in and then add a little more if needed.
Fetch two pieces of whole-wheat bread from their bread bag and arrange them on a plate so that they are sitting one next to the other, as opposed to one above the other. Coat the upward facing side of each piece of bread with a thin layer of low-fat mayonnaise. One of these pieces of bread will next have a slice of provolone cheese laid on top of it. The method for deciding which piece of bread gets the cheese is as follows: A single die is to be tossed a single time. If a 1, 3, or 5 is rolled, the piece of bread residing on the left side of the plate gets the cheese. If a 2, 4, or 6 is rolled, the slice of bread on the right side of the plate is awarded the cheese.
Take a portion of the newly created salmon salad out of the bowl, and spread it onto the slice of provolone cheese with a butter knife.
Select a handful of flat-leafed spinach from the middle of its container and lay the selected spinach on top of the salmon salad. Then anoint the spinach with a light drizzle of extra virgin olive oil.
Take the slice of bread that has been patiently waiting on the opposite side of the plate, and lay it mayonnaise-side down on top of the oil-anointed spinach. Add a small handful of tortilla chips to the plate to provide a textural contrast to the just-completed salmon salad sandwich. At this point your beverage should be about half finished.
Take a moment to cover the bowl containing the remaining salmon salad with plastic wrap, and then place it in the refrigerator for safekeeping until it is required in the construction of another salmon salad sandwich at some point within the next couple days after the completion of the EVENT.
Eat the sandwich and chips at your leisure. When they have been consumed, there should be one swallow’s worth of beverage remaining in the pint glass.
Finish your beverage.
Thus concludes the EVENT “Salmon Salad Sandwich.”
UPDATE — August 2014: I recently had a few friends over for some grilled bratwurst and beer. During the festivities my friend Jon S. created, possibly for the first time in the history of the universe, a SaSaSaSaSa, or “Salmon Salad and Sauerkraut on a Sausage Sandwich.” Unfortunately it was eaten before photographic documentation could be taken, but rest assured I did witness it with my own eyes. Congratulations, Jon!